I must have done some good deeds in my past life, to deserve to be born in the tropics, in this lifetime.
Hiver has a way of making even the most romantic cities in the world unbearable.
No amount of yuletide cheer or parade of lights can hide the fact that the cold is always bitter and painful.
Whereas here in the tropics, it is never too chilly, never too warm, just right. All year long.
Last Fall at the Disney Store, the cashier, a jolly teddy bear, overheard me talking to my sister on the phone in Filipino.
As I was checking out, he asked if I was from the Philippines.
Yes, I smiled.
My wife is Filipina! he exclaimed.
How do you like our country? I was curious.
Turns out he had never visited the Philippines.
But he dreams about it, he said. The long lazy days under the tropical sun. Sub zero beer. Sea breeze. White sand-coated feet. Sweet quiet.
Tropical Love.
I wished jolly teddy the best of luck on his future travel plans.
And as I was leaving the Disney Store, I got to thinking…
Suppose YOU were my imaginary friend. (wink wink)
And YOU come visit me in the Philippines…What do we do? Where do I take YOU?
The obvious answer is, of course, the beach. The Philippines is, after all, a tropical paradise made of 7,107 islands.
Water is our lifeblood, the very essence of our being.
So. Swim, surf, snorkel, scuba dive and the occasional dip with dolphins and whale sharks.
But what else aside from the obvious?
I rack my exam-exhausted brain for hours to come up with a few other fun things that YOU, my dear imaginary friend, should experience in the one place on earth I truly love, the Philippines!
#5 Hmmm smell that freshly-ground coffee…straight from the (cough) anus of a toddy cat.
It could have been real simple, to be honest. But noooooo. We’re gourmands, gourmandes! so it’s always Le complicated.
Cat eats coffee cherries which contain coffee beans. Cat poops. Farmer rummages through cat poop to harvest coffee beans (which remain undigested and whole). Farmer grinds coffee beans, which have now become very expensive.
This nocturnal cat-like mammal is locally called alamid or civet. The Philippines is a known producer of the alamid coffee, one of the most expensive and coveted in the world.
Coffee connoisseurs swear by its exquisite, albeit exotic taste. Like dark chocolate, they say, but not quite. Hazelnutty, but not too much.
And so as we sip the smooth, well-rounded brew, YOU, my imaginary friend and I, can at last, catch up on our busy lives.
YOU will then regale me with detailed accounts of YOUR travels, enchant with random lyrics, sonnets and rhymes.
I would then urge YOU to sip some more, before our drink gets cold.
Lest we forget, we’re humbly partaking on Le chat poop.
#4 Damn you Balthazar!!!
Actually, I don’t know Balthazar. Never met him.
That’s why this curse is so clever. Invented by my cousin, Monica.
So all of us, when we’re itching to spit hate because of someone, something, a cray cray situation, we scream, finger pointing to the skies: DAM YUUUU BALTAZAR!
Afterwards, we’d always feel better, sans lawsuit. Very clever, Em.
Thus before we island hop, my dear imaginary friend, I reckon that YOU and I would also benefit from the same angst-relieving moment.
But first, we drive north of Manila to the province of Tarlac.
Please don’t fret, I know it’s only a seafood restaurant. A Floating one to be exact. They’re a dime a dozen here. And YOU can have YOUR squid, tuna and even escargot any way YOU want. But that can wait.
Because YOU, my dear imaginary friend, will first engage in a battle with the… TAKSYAPO WALL!
TACK-SIA-PO.
Taksyapo. It’s a local cuss word. But let’s not find out what it means.
So YOU are facing the Taksyapo Wall located at the back of the restaurant. There are hundreds of really brittle ceramic plates, saucers and cups in front of you.
Pick one
Roar: “TACK-SIA-PO!!!” _(fill in the blank) negative stuff you want to release_____
Throw item at the wall, said item will violently break into pieces, relish the smashing noise
Breathe out
Repeat process
For example:
“TAK-SYA-PO Jet lag!” throw
“TAK-SYA-PO Stress!” throw
“TAK-SYA-PO Traffic!” throw
“TAK-SYA-PO Nosy relatives!” throw
“TAK-SYA-PO Emotional Vampires!” throw
“TAK-SYA-PO Bullies!” throw
“TAK-SYA-PO Haters, trolls, those who lie when they #nofilter!” throw
“TAK-SYA-PO Psycho Stalkers” throw
“TAK-SYA-PO Judgmental people!” throw
“TAK-SYA-PO People whose egos are bigger than their brains!” throw
“TAK-SYA-PO People who chew with their mouths open!” throw
“TAK-SYA-PO Climate deniers!” throw — this is mine hehehe
Don’t worry my dear imaginary friend, because if the issue is so huge, I can arrange for YOU to throw a TV set. Yes, if plates and saucers fall short, a TV monitor will surely get the job done. They’re pretty serious here. TV sets are on hand, just in case.
Think nothing of the expense, it’s my treat. Just throw, my dear imaginary friend, throw until YOU can throw no more.
Then we can enjoy the squid, tuna and escargot any way YOU want.
#3 High Renaissance Art, my foot!
But It’s true! If YOU had marveled at Michelangelo’s fresco at the Sistine Chapel, obsessed over Botticelli’s little figurines bordering the walls, then YOU, my dear imaginary friend, will be thrilled to witness art, 20 million years in the making.
Welcome to Palawan, a short plane ride from Manila.
Let’s not be tempted by Palawan’s beaches please… okay we WILL be tempted, we’re humans not androids, but that’s for another post.
Heaven on earth, I have no more words…
But also in Palawan is the Puerto Princesa Underground River, one of the 7 New Wonders of the World.
The Underground River is 8.2 kilometers long, the longest navigable underground river in the world.
On board a wooden canoe, we will traverse the river, and YOU will wonder how the waters can turn from bright emerald to tourmaline to deep jade and then go full aquamarine in a matter of seconds.
Finally, we will come face to face with the gargantuan mouth of the Great Cave. Our boatman and guide, Batman, hee hee (seriously, that’s what he calls himself), will give us last minute instructions. We’ll then take deep breaths, as our canoe melds into the vast darkness.
Marvel at the geography of the Great Cave. The icicle-like, crystal formations are nature’s frescoes, depicting heroic adventures and tales of wars and famines. The stalactites, the stalagmites, the kryptonites…that’s quite enough, Batman, now get us out of here.
#2 YOU are cordially invited to the Grand Eyeball
Bohol is best known for the Chocolate Hills. But we won’t be there for that, my dear imaginary friend.
That’s because we have an appointment with Albert.
Albert is politically neutral and up to this day refuses to reveal his? her? gender, thus confusing even the tribes people here.
Well, Albert invites us to a staring contest. And this makes me nervous, my dear imaginary friend, because I’ve been told that Albert has never, ever blinked.
And the loser of this contest will have to collect Albert’s night soil, if you know what I mean.
Should we practice first? Or throw caution to the wind and simply match Albert’s seasoned goggles with our own Chuckie stares?
It won’t be all that bad, my dear imaginary friend, because when YOU stare long and hard enough at Albert’s eyeballs, YOU will actually get glimpses of YOUR future.
I’m not really sure, I just made that up. ;P
#1 Survive this with me and we can survive anything
Everyone I know has done this. But I’ve been putting this off for many, many years now because I’ve been waiting for the perfect partner to do this with.
Welcome to Gold River!
Cagayan de Oro is a two plus hour flight from Manila. I love this place, my mom’s hometown.
However…
The Gold River rapids are always, always angry. The trick is to appease its irate nature. But how? That’s why I’ve been scared to try for so long.
That’s also why I need YOU in on this, my dear imaginary friend.
To ride the tide, make that leap of faith.
I wonder if I can ride in YOUR vessel, or need to manage on my own.
I will freak out, for sure. But I know YOU can calm me down.
Can we survive this, my dear imaginary friend?
To navigate through the turbulence.
And muster enough fortitude to soothe the rage.
So at last, we can enjoy the amazing views and the promise of a perfect sunset.
With the perfect Selfie to boot!
P.S.
The Christmas Haiku
By Apples Jalandoni
Christmas is here
we come to the table
Break bread, drink lots of vino
I’m allergic, so I’ll pass
but go ahead, indulge
Christmas is here
family, friends gather
the Mommas and the Poppas
And ‘ave
Jolly good cheer!
(That was painful to read. But I promise if YOU come visit the Philippines... the Negrense Sunsets and Lavender Mornings will make even the baddest rhymes well worth it.)
Cheers!